Damn It

I want my days back.

I want to play, teach, grow, learn, connect.

I want my kids to have the childhood I know they deserve.

I want to give them all of me, all the time.

I want them to know they are heard and known.

I want our walks back.

I want our park days, our play times, our backyard picnics.

I want to lay down with them for a nap and not think about all the work I am pushing back.

I want to be the one raising them. All of the time.

I hate the days that I don't see them. I come home and they've missed me.

I've missed them.

And then they go to bed. And I work some more.

I want to do holiday crafts. I want to play ponies and superheros.

Being a single mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever.

Not because they are in the way, but because I ONLY want to be with them.

I'm sick today, so we watched Christmas movies and I edited photos. It was the most time I've spent with them in a long time.

But I was still working.

And it's work that I love.

Just not more than I love them.

So, I work because I love them.

And I just keep missing them.

*November 2012