Since Daisy was stung I haven't been able to connect to much emotion. I've just been existing. I've had moments of being afraid or nervous, but mostly I've just been paralyzed. Yesterday I was talking to Alisa about what happened and, since she was there for the whole thing, maybe it was a little different. She told me what happened after I left the ranch and even said that they got out some blacklights at night to find that the ranch is CRAWLING with scorpions. The night we left for the hospital Jo Ann went into our room to pack our things so my dad could come get them and a scorpion fell on her head. On her HEAD. In my room. Jesus.
After she left I started thinking about my bags still in the garage. I thought about them having been in my car. A little burst of terrifying fear shot into my heart and I started to panic. What if just one scorpion had crawled into our things? What if there was a scorpion in our car? What if there was one in the garage? What if we left the garage door open just a crack and a scorpion had come into the house? What if Daisy was in her car seat, where I couldn't see her, and a scorpion stung her? Shit. It's too much. Fear doesn't leave us any room to move.
We ended up taking the kids to Target after dinner and my heart was pounding out of my chest when I put her in her car seat. The entire 4 minute ride I was inwardly undone, but when we got there I heard God. My heart whispered these words, "We live from freedom, not from fear."
I have so much to be afraid of. There is no question that something terrible has happened. Or even that it could happen again. Daisy almost died. I almost never held her again. I almost never felt her tiny hands stroking my face again. I almost lost the sound of her strong little voice forever. Our family was almost irreparably broken. We almost entered into the dark hole of life without our Daisy Belle. Things would never be the same. They would never be fully healed. Life would have always carried the shadow of our loss. But ALMOST didn't happen. Jesus breathed into Daisy. He never left her, not for a moment. And she is here. She is vibrant and active and fully alive. And if fear takes space on the throne of my heart again it will be as if Daisy had died. Sadness and fear would rule over me. The freedom we have experienced in her rescue would be overshadowed by the terrifying "what ifs".
I'm not sure what to do with all of this, but I do know that there is some kind of movement for me. I felt something. Even if it was fear. I felt it. And God has not left us here in the aftermath. He is gentle. He will lead us to cool water and green pastures. He will heal us. He will ignite bravery in our hearts.
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."