The last few days have been emotionally (and physically) exhausting. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you know that Daisy (who is almost three) has an abscess in her mouth, right next to a tooth that she had worked on about five months ago. Actually, she had almost all of her teeth worked on, due to a crazy amount of tooth decay and cavities. She had a tooth pulled and she's sporting four silver crowns. And now this abscess, which maybe you know, is stupid painful. Her face is swollen and she spent an entire afternoon and evening crying until we switched from tylenol to ibruprofen. She's also on antibiotics and her dentist appointment is this afternoon.
Daisy is really susceptible to cavities and tooth decay because she was on a ridiculous amount of antibiotics when she was six months old. Apparently an overdose of antibiotics equals weak and sensitive teeth. This teeth issue has been super triggering for me from the start. When they initially worked on her teeth they had to put her under, which left me shaking and crying. Surrendering her like that reminded me of Daisy in the hospital, fighting for her life. She came through just fine and my mom reminded me that God had something for me in that experience too. So, when her face swelled up and she spent hours sobbing and kicking, my mind threw me back into those hours that feel like a long second - Daisy convulsing and vomiting and screaming after being stung by a scorpion.
It's not the same thing. I know this. I know that she isn't dying, or even probably in any real danger. I know that the dentist will intervene and she will heal. I know that she is safe. I know that, even in this, God has something for all of us. Sometimes I feel stupid, or silly, for even still having these emotions. I'm afraid that people will roll their eyes and judge my fear. As if that would have even an inch of bearing on what God is doing in our lives.
Sometimes I put too much value into what I think I should do or feel. My heart gets yanked around on the strings of expectation. I'm realizing that I've spent so much of my life judging my own and other people's actions. I've looked at the lives of people I love - their choices and feelings - from the outside and rolled my eyes in judgement. Which is why I assume other people are doing the same to me.
Cause you reap what you sow.
What you do to others, they'll do to you. It's the rhythm of life.
If I want kindness, I have to sow kindness. If I want compassion, I have to sow compassion.
That's what God has for me in this.
My heart, and my fear, are being stirred up to keep me turning in another direction. I'm relearning life and it is really, really not easy. But we can do brave things with soft hearts, right?
*Is there a difficult, or triggering, situation in your life that is stirring up truth and freedom?