In The Darkness

It's no secret that my marriage has been a long series of sadness, brokenness, redemption and great change. We have been tossed around in a giant sea of selfishness and neediness. We have made babies and birthed them in a wild storm of unhappiness. Our kids have been bright like the sun, chasing away shadows and fear. But, at night, when they are asleep and we are alone, we face ourselves again. I've been thankful for those times. My worst fear is that we will "make it work" until our kids don't need us anymore and then we will find that we have nothing. What if we survive each other rather than love each other? We need constant reminders that marriage doesn't lean on children; children lean on marriage. They need a safe place that only deep love can provide. They need to sense passion in their parents. They need to be both embarrassed and relieved that we truly love each other.

No one needs more walls. No one needs another dark corner to hide in.

This is my heart's deepest desire and the thing that keeps me married. This is what keeps me communicating. This is what drives hope into the very depths of my soul. We WILL love each other. We WILL overcome our ugly, learned behaviors. Somehow we will learn to just be US in THIS marriage.

Lately I am stirred by the Spirit of God. I sense him, I hear him, I feel him. I am so acutely aware that the time has come for us to step away from our lives for a while. It's time for us to learn to be alone with each other. We have been living in a little glass box, swayed by other people's expectations and opinions.

The very gentle hand of God is nudging us out, asking us to face the darkness. Whatever lies between us when no one else is awake, that is our's to battle. We can only step forward, searching out light in each other. There is no other option. There is no backwards. There is no sideways. There is only wide and deep truth resonating in the heart of our marriage.

We live for the Healer. We hope in the Rescuer.

This afternoon I read this blog post by Maggie at Flux Capacitor and felt it again- The Great Stirring. The oar of God sinking into my murky depths, stroking the recesses of hurt and sadness and hope. And that voice, the comforting voice of The Original Hosea, whispering the profound and simple, "Press forward. Dig in your heels."

"We are not shining examples of human beings with glorious souls ablaze in beauty. We are human beings who have momentary states of grace, but often reveal with startling brutality our faults, our weakness. Walking this road of healing with Mr. Curry is an honor. Seriously. To see that deeply into a person- to be allowed to see- and to have them see you as well this way, all fucked up and ugly and small, and to still be loved? That- that is healing. That is healing that only love can do. Where I cannot love, where I find myself flailing at Mr. Curry in anger or in bitterness, finding walls where there could be openess, this is where I am feeling with my hands the very limits of my own heart. That is where my work begins." {Flux Capacitor}