I'm learning a lot about myself these days. I'm in a self-discovery space. You know what I'm learning? I'm learning that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. I'm learning that I can do, and create, and open doors that I thought were slammed shut.
I'm learning that I am more than I imagined. I've carted around enough shame to drown a mountain and it's lifting. I'm lifting.
It sucks that heartache has to be the hand that plunges into my bucket, stirring up those tiny particles that have slept at the bottom. Now that everything is swirling and combining colors and textures I'm almost overwhelmed at what I can do. I didn't think I could do more than the bare minimum. I didn't think I carried more value that what I myself could pay.
This is honest, isn't it? It's maybe even a little uncomfortable. I'm okay with that. Honesty is kind of like a slap in the face sometimes. It can rouse us from our ditch and remind us that there is an adventurous road available to us. We just need to start traveling it.
I'm still afraid. It's fiercely startling to realize that I could do more. It's shocking and it's terrifying. What if I take a step and the road disappears? What if I stumble around and end up bruised and battered? What if...?
I'll tell you. When we start living in broad and full ways, we probably WILL get a little banged up. It's going to happen. But then we'll firm up. We'll stretch and move and persevere. Skinned knees turn into strong knees. Aching bodies turn into enduring bodies. Tired, sagging hearts start to pound and brighten. Health travels like a river, touching our diseased and weary spaces.
Jesus paved my road, friends. He marked out my way, he designed me with abilities and talents that have lain dormant for a very long time. He made me capable.
You're capable too. Even if you don't get it yet. Even if you feel stuck and stagnant and alone. Even if you can only count your obstacles. Even if you don't want to climb out of your ditch yet. You. Are. Capable.
It isn't vanity to rejoice in the gifts you've been given. Celebrating and utilizing your talents is fully honoring God and what he has called you to. If you're like me and you have spent way to much time trying to minimize who you are, let's just call that what it is. Foolishness. Ouch? I get that. My heart stings a little too.
There is not a sliver of doubt in my mind that Jesus is perched on the edge of his seat, eyes intent, hands gripping his knees, anticipating the moment you shake off the dust of what was. The God who loves us with an A'havah kind of love - that love of choice and will - is undoubtedly excited and gloriously FOR your freedom, friend.
Do you know what you are capable of? Do you know what you were designed for? Is it so hidden and minimized that it's hard for you to even recognize?
I get that. He gets it.
Maybe today is a day of discovery. Maybe today is a day of what IS, not of what WAS. Maybe today is new enough for you to stretch your limbs a little. Maybe today is a day of doing brave things with soft hearts.
What are you capable of?