Sometimes I pick apart my practice. And my body. And my heart. And my ability. And my journey. Sometimes I pick myself apart until I'm raw. I'm never more judgemental than when it's an image of myself, the words from my own mouth, or the thoughts in my own head. Sometimes I am my arch nemesis.
I was looking at this picture today - doing just that. Picking. And then, for some reason, I was able to see that this is actually FREAKING AWESOME. This is fourteen years of practice, thirty three years of life, beauty and heartbreak, brand new miniscule openings in my heart space, the deep sensation of being rooted, the strong desire to soar, and THIS.IS.ABUNDANCE. Not scarcity.
I'm telling you, friends, I am determined to live freely and lightly. I crash against old, dysfunctional behavior and it takes me a minute to remember that I am NOT that woman anymore. I don't need to obsess over what isn't perfect. I don't need to critique my lines, my posture, or my hindrances. My body holds a whole lot of memory.
I carry trauma and sheer joy in the same vessel. I carry grief and restoration in my muscles and you can tell.
This body is my altar. It's where I bear the marks of a life that has been LIVED and FELT. I am not numb or unaware. I am not disassociated or shattered. I am simply imperfectly navigating a holy and wandering road. I am learning how to open with grace. Everyday I have to choose to accept that THIS, as it is, is enough. I'm enough. I'm doing amazing and fierce things every time I swing out of bed in the morning.
I keep showing up to my mat, to my marriage, to my mothering, to my friendships, to my quiet places, even to this blog. I keep showing up even when I'm a mess. And that, friends, is always and forever ENOUGH.
You're enough too. You are imperfectly awesome. I hope that sinks into fertile ground. If you catch yourself picking at yourself, I hope you also find the strength to stand up to you. I hope you have the courage to look right back into that mirror and reclaim the youness that makes the world sweeter, braver, and kinder.